Welcome to Holland

When we found out that Savannah was deaf it wasn't apart of my plan. The feelings and emotions that came along with it were something that I couldn't explain to those around me, in fact I still don't think I can. I never expected to have a child with a disability. Especially one that is so life altering. My mom told me that there is a grieving process and I agree with that. Some days are really good for me and then there are some days that I struggle and have a break down and cry. I never expected that at 24 I would be dealing with the things that I am dealing with, and sometimes that's hard. It's really hard.

Because Savannah is deaf we are in a lot of state programs. We have a PIP woman (I can't remember what PIP stands for) that comes to our house once a week and teaches me as a parent about how to help Savannah and how we can get her on the right track so she isn't too far behind is speech, language, and hearing development. This week she gave me a story that explained what I couldn't explain about how I was feeling about my situation and my life. I know family and close friends are really the only people who read my blog so I thought this would be a perfect place to share this story with every one.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have no shared the unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...

When you're going to have a baby it's like planning a fabulous vacation to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The Gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. 

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?" You says. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life, I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But, there's been a change in flight plans. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. 

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It's just a different place. 

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met. 

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy. Less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you being to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts. 

But everyone you know is busy coming and going form Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, go away because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. 

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland. 

-Emily Pearl Kingsly

I love Savannah and she brings a joy to my life that wasn't there before and that no one else could replace, but there are times when I think about how much easier it would be if I didn't have to deal with hearing aids, make a million doctor and specialist appointments, deal with insurance and medical bills and that how much easier it would be if Savannah wasn't deaf. When I do this and think about this I forget how perfect Savannah is just the way she is. I'm going to enjoy my time in Holland rather than compare it to everyone else's trip to Italy.